Benedict Cumberbatch Holds Hands With A Mystery Lady — This Is Not A Drill
Cumberbitches at attention — this is not a drill! Your dream-boyfriend Benedict Cumberbatch has been spotted holding hands with someone who isn't you, so I think it's time we get to the bottom of this. Please fetch your magnifying glasses and any other (working) Sherlock paraphernalia you may have collected over the years (you Americans won't need it again until 2014, anyway), and meet me in the study to begin collecting evidence and forming conclusions. Because the thing is, this isn't just some ordinary lady. Oh no no no. She's actually been described as a ‘mystery gal', and I don't think I need to tell you what that means.
IT MEANS SHE DOESN'T HAVE A NAME. Which I know because if she had, they would've used it. But they didn't, so we can conclude that she has an identity wiped clean of any traceable marks. And what kind of person has no name and no history? A spy! Or a baby! Or a ghost! We can safely conclude she isn't a baby because she's wearing a bracelet, and babies have no money to speak of, and notoriously bad taste in jewelry, and she's probably not a ghost because no one is walking through her and making a shivering motion, so she's definitely a spy.
The two of them were spotted hand-in-hand coming out of the Cirque du Soir nightclub in London on July 27th, from which we can infer that she is a French spy. How else would she have gained entrance to a nightclub with a French name? This is all very logical and fool-proof so far, so try to keep up. The information we've gathered so far has led us to her occupation and her nationality, so let's also use it to determine her name. A simple trip to Wikipedia has proven that the most popular French name is ‘Emma', so that's obviously her name, and the most common name for a spy is ‘James Bond', so we here at Crushable can exclusively reveal that this woman's name is Emma J. Bond*. You're welcome. You may now return to your previously-scheduled sleuthing.
*If this information is somehow proven inaccurate, please blame it on the internet and not me, as I have dutifully followed its clues over hill and dale to properly arrive at my conclusions. Don't shoot the messenger, y'know?