Bachelor Pad: The Ballad Of Erica Rose

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Oof. This was a complicated week on Bachelor Pad, so let me see if I can explain it without confusing myself or anyone else. After failing to get his partner Blakely sent home last week, Chris started the episode very much on the outs in the house. Except with Sarah, who has moved on from her last romantic interest, Ed, with flying colors and is now spending all of her free time lying on top of Chris and twining her fingers together with his in lazy bliss. And a new couple has emerged seemingly overnight — Blakely and Tony, who somehow bonded off-camera and are now giving each other reassuring little touches at every opportunity. And trust me, on a show about competitions and finding love, there are many opportunities. Prepare yourself for a lot of shoulder squeezes and jumping-into-arms.

Anyway. The competition this week was called ‘The Great Fall of China', and it entailed racing back and forth along the lawn with increasingly high stacks of teacups and saucers, and trying to prevent them from falling. Some people, namely Sarah and Blakely (the latter of whom we learn worked at Hooters for 13 years), are very good at this, while others, like Erica Rose, are bad at everything. The race came down to Blakely and Sarah, with Sarah technically crossing the finish line first, but being disqualified for steadying her cup-tower with her hand, which was against the rules. So Blakely wins the competition for the girls. No one loses, since we're down to few enough people by now that having a vote against you pretty much means you're going home. Then the guys step into the arena and are immediately two million times better than the girls at it, which has been the embarrassing fact of every challenge in this competition. In an ironic twist of fate, the guys' competition came down to Tony and Chris, the other-halves of the female front-runners. But because karma's a bitch and Chris is a douche-bag, he lost out to Tony, whose every move during the race was loudly and annoyingly coached by Blakely, and who somehow loved every minute of it.

So Tony and Blakely have won the roses, but they're obviously going on a date with each other, because they're in love out of nowhere, so Blakely has a rose and a date to give away to a guy. She chooses to keep the overnight date for herself and gives the other date to Kalon, the competition's biggest liar who has somehow yet to be targeted. (I feel like I'm using that word a lot in this post — ‘somehow'.) He of course decides to take Lindzi, and the two of them get to go have a romantic dinner on a bridge with diamonds and a Bentley and delicious edible money-cakes, while Blakely and Tony go camping in a trailer in the middle of the California desert and grill sad desperation-burgers. But don't worry! Everyone gets to make out with each other, so there are no losers. Except for everyone, for being on this show. Although I surprisingly don't hate either one of these pairs as a couple. They seem oddly right for each other.

Back to the house! Tony has a rose to give away, and Blakely wants him to give it to Jaclyn but Chris really wants him to give it to Sarah, because he hasn't tired of her strange, sideways mouth yet. He gives it to Jaclyn, so he gets to keep his big toe for the evening, and Blakely goes to bed happy, but with nothing to snack on in bed. Obviously Chris and Sarah are going home, and all is right in the world.

Enter Chris Harrison, who announces that we're mixing it up this week. For absolutely no reason except that the producers want to fuck with the show, all the guys and all the girls will vote for one girl to go home this week, and whoever gets the most votes will choose one guy to take with them. No discussion. Just going home immediately. Well that changes things, because if Sarah got eliminated, she wouldn't take Chris. In fact, she'd probably take Michael, the biggest power player right now, and nobody wants that, so Sarah is safe. As are most of the girls, actually, since no one's really saying who they'd take home if they were eliminated. It's coming down to Lindzi, who is in the main alliance and would take Chris, and Erica Rose, who's the wild card. Michael has it set up so that Erica Rose is getting the most votes, but thinks that the person orchestrating it is Chris, so she'll take him home. Fool-proof, right? Nope. After all the gossiping and scheming and manipulation is 99.9% effective, it turns out Chris hasn't actually voted yet, so he takes Erica Rose in there to physically show her that he's voting for Lindzi, and that he couldn't be behind the manipulation.

BOOM. Game is wide open, because now Erica Rose knows what went down, and she is pissed. And when she does, in fact, get eliminated, bitch takes Michael down with her. Hard. Even as he's admitting to her that he conspired to get her eliminated, she's laying into him about being a fake, and how she understands why Holly dumped him last year, because he wasn't a real man, and she's glad America got the chance to see him as he really is. Wow, girl. You've been carrying that around a long time. And speaking of America getting the chance to see who you really are…

So yes. Quite the shake-up this week, as my favorite guy is now out of the competition. But on the bright side,the position of ‘least competitive girl in the house' is up for grabs now that Erica Rose is gone. Get to stumbling and slurring, ladies!

Oh and P.S. Nick is still on the show, cruising along with a hefty fifteen words an episode. But he's paired with the newly-widowed Rachel next week, so he may bump his average all the way up to twenty.

(Image: ABC)