Aubrey Plaza Perfectly Sums Up What It’s Like To Be A Chronically Sarcastic Person

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Aubrey Plaza and I have a lot in common. We both have brown hair, we both have two legs and we both are famous movie stars with Amy Poehler's phone numbers at our finger tips. Oh also, I almost forgot the fourth thing we have in common,  we're both insanely sarcastic people. In an interview with The New York Times MagazineAubrey opens up about what it's like to be diagnosed with chronic sarcasm.

Just kidding. Sarcastic people never open up. That's rule number one. Never let anyone know what you're really thinking or feeling — lest they confuse you with a person who has genuine emotions and interesting thoughts. Because once they do that, they'll want to “get to know you,” which I promise you is even more painful than it sounds. Suddenly “how was your day” becomes a question that leads to more questions like “aw, that sucks, why did you boss yell at you?” and “omg, what did your boss do when you threw coffee in her face?” And even worse, when you ask “how was your day” back to someone who you opened up to, you're required to then listen and also ask follow-up questions. Functioning as a civilized person, it's the worst! So that's why when someone asks how your day was, you always answer sarcastically. (Also pro-tip: border on the corner of rudeness and abrupt to really end the conversation quickly.)

While sarcasm gets you out of a lot of boring conversation, it sometimes leads to problems. Such as the one Aubrey describes here:

You’re so sarcastic that it’s sometimes difficult to tell when you’re being sincere.

Believe me, it’s a bigger problem for me. I don’t even know when I’m being serious or not. I can’t tell how I truly feel about anything.

Preach it girl! That quote is my life story. It is much harder to be the sarcaser than the sarcasee. It takes effort to never answer something sincerely. So much effort that you forgot how to answer things honestly. Which leads to problem number two. Take it away Aubrey!

Can your friends or family tell when you’re being genuine with them?

Sometimes. I think it’s just the tone of my voice that throws people off. Zooey Deschanel recently told me, “Everything that you say to someone sounds like you’re mocking them.” I was like, “But I’m not.” And she was like, “Even when you just said that, it sounded like you were mocking me.”

My chronic sarcasm got so bad in college that I actually had a friend require me to say, “in all honestly” before any genuine thoughts so he knew I was being honest — and not just being my usual dickwad self. I'd have to be like, “In all honesty, I like this song.” Or “in all honesty, I do really like cheese” or “in all honesty, I think you're making a giant mistake marrying this guy, back out now, it's not too late, I'll distract everyone while you take off that white dress and sneak out the back door. You will regret this, in all honesty.”

So yeah, I totally get what Aubrey's saying here. And I totally appreciate her being brave enough to say what the rest of us sarcasmos can't say, because, well, rule number one.

(GIF: Tumblr)