Ariana Grande Strips Down To Her Panties To Give A Very Odd Interview About Cow Tits

By  | 

Ariana Grande in her underwear on the cover of V Magazine March 2014

You guys, I think we may have forgotten to vet Ariana Grande properly. We were all so psyched about her song ‘The Way' that we just assumed she was a normal Nickelodeon gal just trying to make it in the big city. But the more time goes on and the more quotes I see from her, the more I'm confused about what exactly goes on in her brain. WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, ARIANA?

Take this new interview with V Magazine, for example. First of all she's super skimpily dressed in all the photos, which is uncomfortable A. because my mind still thinks she's sixteen, even though I know she's twenty and B. because the outfits themselves are extra weird. Like that one at the top of this post — is she wearing Spanx under those lacy underoos? And what's the deal with that bustier? Why does her body look so tiny while her head is normal-sized? I NEED ANSWERS.

But I'm not going to get them from the interview, which ranges in topics from heart attacks to dharma to her hair (finally!) to cow tit pus. Meh. Obviously we have a lot of ground to cover, so let's get started:

“I use my hair as a mask, as a shield. I hide behind it and it's what keeps me me. Some people make fun of me for it, but I don't know who those some people are, so I don't care.”

Um, hello. I am one of those people. And it's less about making fun of you for it and more about demanding to know what secrets it's hiding. TAKE DOWN THE PONYTAIL. I'm starting a petition.

“In America, almost everybody thinks you need to have meat for protein. Protein, protein, protein! And what's in dairy? Calcium, calcium, calcium. It's those kinds of proteins that latch onto the insides of your blood- stream and make it easier for you to have a heart attack. Look, cows produce milk with nutrients for cows. Maybe that's why Americans end up looking like cows! Ultimately, no one wants cow tit pus in their food, do they?”

Okay we're all over the map here, but I think the bottom line is that if you eat cows, you end up looking like one? (Which goes a long way toward explaining why my muzzle is getting so fuzzy lately.) And also I'm just finding this out now — not everyone likes eating cow tit pus???? But have you tried it with pickles? SO DIVINE.

“Music is my dharma. It's what makes my heart smile and what I feel like I am meant to do. I understand music more than I understand human beings and the English language.”

Now that I can believe, as someone who just read the rest of your interview.

(Photo: Tom Munro for V Magazine)