You Know How I Know The Amish Mafia Is Fake? They’re Horrible Criminals

By  | 

Amish Mafia Barn

While it's hard to pinpoint my favorite moment of last night's episode of Amish Mafia, I would have to say that John trying to pull off a top-secret buggy race without Lebanon Levi finding out ranks pretty high on my list.  Either this show's completely scripted or the people on this show are the worst mafia members in the history of mafias. They make more rookie mistakes than Henry Rowengartner in Rookie of the Year — and as the title suggest he was ROOKIE OF THE YEAR.

Here's something that most people understand: if you want to keep something a secret, you don't let a film crew follow you around. Especially if that film crew's following you around because they're planning to turn their footage into a TV show. That's just something I learned early on in life.

As a young child I knew I shouldn't tell my brother to grab their video camera when I snuck into my sister's room to steal her clothing. It's the same logic that criminals use when they're trying to avoid going to jail. How many robberies do you see live-tweeted? How many hit-and-runs are shared on Youtube? The answer is none. Because that's how criminals get caught.

I don't know were in the Barn of Badness Lebanon Levi keeps his mafia rule book, but I'd have to assume that the the number one item is “don't try to doublecross me at the same time you're filming our reality TV show. Because I will eventually watch it. Then I will know what you did.”

I know that reality television shows are completely scripted. And I understand that if our forefathers came back today, their first question would be “hath thou redefineth the meaning of reality?” But this show takes it to a new level. Not only does it tell us that scenes are recreated for the show, but it has these ridiculous plots where John looks into the camera and is like “I will be in very big trouble if Levi finds out about this.”

Are they serious with that? That's the number one sign that this show's completely scripted. Criminals simply aren't that stupid. Even criminals named Merlin.

(Photo: Discovery)