I Wish Amish Mafia Could Have Splurged On Better Actors

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Amish Mafia Lebanon Levi

Is this show for real? There's no way, right? The entire concept of an Amish Mafia is so unbelievably over the top that I honestly cannot take it seriously. First of all, it's getting increasingly ridiculous that all these people would allow themselves to be filmed while doing illegal things.

Sure I've personally never been in a mafia (Amish or otherwise), but I'm pretty sure secrecy's a big deal. Maybe even the biggest deal. And I'm not talking about when one of the guys covers up the camera lens and is like “don't film this.” I'm talking about an organization so secret that it would never, ever allow cameras to come near it. Let alone come near the Abandoned Barn of Bad Behavior.

But okay, we'll go with it and we'll pretend that all these people are just big-hearted Amish folk who want to protect their community. Fine.

The episode kicks off with an English man pretending to be an Amish man with a fruit stand. Are you with me here? Fake man sells real fruit! Scan-da-lous!

Apparently “fake Amish man with profitable fruit stand” ranks very highly on the list of priorities for this mafia. So they drive over there and teach him a lesson he'll never forget. The lesson? We don't know, the camera went black as the car drove straight toward his stand. But we do know from the wordless narrator that the English man never sold fruit in Lancaster again.

Next up barn fights. They're like normal fights, except they're in a barn and they bore me. Let's never speak of their boringness again.

Finally, we get to the climax of the episode. Think Pimp My Ride meets Breaking Amish and you have the annual (bi-annual? weekly? daily) Amish Buggy Off.

It's just as stupid as it sounds.

The men in town pimp their buggies out and Levi awards the most pimped-out buggy a cash prize. Why? Why not?

Merlin, Levi's arch-rival who's actually pretending his name's Merlin, shows up with a buggy that has an engine. Some might call that a car, but Merlin calls it a prize-winning buggy. Mostly because this show's intent on being absolutely ridiculous at all times..

Despite having a buggy with an engine and four wheels (A CAR!), Merlin does not win. He drives off in a huff. But like a lame huff, because he's not paid enough for this acting gig.

Ugh, this show…not sure how many more episodes I'll last.