America’s Next Top Model All Stars Recap: The Crete Socialite

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Dominique began Wednesday night’s episode of Top Model All Stars with, “It’s an amazing feeling to get the best photo. Since my cycle, I’ve grown a lot.” If only Dominique watched this show–she’d have known she was guaranteeing herself an elimination. On the other hand, I really dug her positivity. It was a nice contrast to Angelea, who railed against Dominique’s dullness. (Uh, she looks like a man. What’s dull about that?) And Lisa, who noted, “My biggest competition is Allison. She blinks and they freak out.” That’s because we know Allison’s blink is just a prelude to Allison opening her giant fucking eyes. I think it’s normal to get excited.

The models received what Laura termed “the most scariest TyraMail ever,” which actually wasn’t much of an overstatement. For their first challenge, the contestants were forced to attend a casting judged by each other. This is a classic reality competition ploy to stir shit up, and it’s always amazing. Except these women were grossly kind and gracious about everything. Like, hello, think about your audience. Dominique’s assessment of Laura? “She’s a white girl with sass, and I like that.” Ugh, tell us what you really think. Does her Southern twang make you want to claw her eyes out? Has she ever clogged the Top Model toilet? Spill it.

Finally, each model was forced to pick the least “All Star” contestant remaining, and I thought OK, let’s fuck some shit up. But again, no one would say anything. Finally Dominique decided to call out Angelea, and even that was in the nicest goddamn way possible: “I see so much more in you, and I love you and I care about you.” To which Angelea very rationally responded, “I feel like I’m being attacked.” Look, girl, I have intimacy issues, too, but not everyone who tells you they love you is a threat. Just most of them.

Laura actually got pissed off, because you bet your darn tootin’ butt she expects better from Angelea. “This is me mad!” she shouted, madly. “Because you are a beautiful woman! You can sing! You have talent! But you don’t know it!” I just loved that this “attack” was the nicest anyone has ever been on Top Model: it made all of Angelea’s tearful protests more absurd. Were any of these people listening to one another? I don’t think I’ve ever heard a more disconnected fight. “I love you.” “Y’all bitches.” “I care about you.” “I know what you all trying to do. Stupid bitches.” “You are a beautiful woman.” “Kiss my ass. Dumb-ass bitches.” Hey, at least Angelea made her point.

There was a pointless scene in which the models went clubbing with “former model/Crete socialite” Twylem Pyper. OK, it was pointless in the sense that it didn’t further the plot, but it did remind us that Allison is awesome (instead of getting drunk, she flung all her shots behind her head) and that “Crete socialite” is a thing. Frankly, it’s kind of unfair that someone with a name as amazing as “Twylem Pyper” also gets to be designated a “Crete socialite.” Stop having a monopoly on cool things to call yourself, Twylem.

The photo shoot this week was Olympics-themed, because Greece or whatever. I remain uninspired by most of these shoots, but it’s always nice to see Nigel step into his photog/creepy older man role. Anyway, it was mostly ridiculous. Dominique was given a “javin,” Angelea was given a “putshot,” and Allison had to pretend a handbag was a discus. “It kind of looks like you’re hailing a cab,” Nigel told Allison. And it’s true, the best way to hail a cab in New York is to fling your handbag outward like a discus. (I say that as though there’s any other way to hail a cab.)

At judges’ table, Tyra once again frustrated me with her grammar: “It’s so weird seeing less and less and less girls.” FEWER. It’s so weird seeing FEWER girls. And while we’re on the subject of grammar, it should be “you’re still in the running TOWARD becoming America’s Next Top Model.” But I digress. I digress a lot.

With so many fewer (fewer!) contestants, judgment wasn’t all that exciting. Angelea was in the bottom two again, and likely blamed it on the “sneaky ass bitches” who tried to derail her. But it was Dominique who was sent packing, presumably because it’s just more fun for Tyra to fuck with Angelea at this point. Still, I was sad to see Dominique go. I never cared for her when she was first on Top Model, but she has thoroughly endeared herself to me as an All Star. Own your weird masculine fierceness, Dominique. I would kill to be that butch.