America’s Next Top Model All Stars Recap: Greek Salad Tragedy

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When an episode of Top Model begins with one of the contestants talking about how she’s never gotten best photo but how she takes comfort in all her adoring fans, you know she’s not long for this competition. And let’s be real, Shannon—your refusal to pose in underwear was never the noblest of causes. Changing lives, one fully-clothed photo at a time. But hey, I’m probably just bitter that I don’t get thousands of emails from girls calling me a role model. I get a couple emails a week telling me I’m an asshole, though, so I kind of know how it feels?

But I’m jumping ahead. Let’s talk about the ridiculous farce featuring Andre Leon Talley and two subpar actors playing waiters in a fight. (These guys must have day jobs as waiters. Couldn’t they have been more believable?) Anyway, it was all just an excuse to break some plates and announce that the models were going to Greece. I felt super ignorant, because I didn’t even know smashing plates was a thing. Either way, it was a weak way to showcase Greek culture. I would have done something fun with Greek tragedy, or pederasty.

Once they got to Greece, the contestants met Vicki Kaya, host of the Greek version of America’s Next Top Model. She’s undeniably gorgeous, but she doesn’t seem sufficiently ludicrous to host this competition. Vicki explained that the ladies would have to write one-minute speeches on their flight to Crete. They’d have to incorporate Greek words, of course, because that is the kind of thing a Top Model has to do. (No, but seriously, I would like to hear Tyra pronounce “spanakopita.”) Laura fretted over her dyslexia and the Greeks’ inability to appreciate good ol’ Southern charm.

As you might expect, the speeches were pretty awful, though special thanks to the Top Model editors for making them sound far more awkward than they possibly could have been. (More cricket sound effects, please!) I did feel genuinely sympathetic for Laura, because the Fates (Greek!) seemed to be conspiring against her. It was almost impossible to hear her over the wind, which was totally out of her hands. On the other hand, she could maybe have picked a better Greek goddess than Venus, who is Roman. Worst speech goes to Angelea, who closed with, “Now where’s the baño?” It honestly wouldn’t have bothered me much if she hadn’t insisted that she should get extra points for throwing in a new Greek word. Gracias for being you, Angelea.

Next the contestants met with a stylist to plan their looks for the final runway show. Alas, only two models will be competing, which is pretty damn disappointing. Some of these dresses sounded like delightful train wrecks. I particularly enjoyed Dominique’s assertion that, “This is my moment to really let the true drag in me shine!” I hope her dress comes with a fake penis attached. Boo to Shannon’s predictable desire for something sexy and conservative. We get it, lady: You’re a goddamn angel. But have you seen Victoria’s Secret commercials lately? Angels are sluts now, too.

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