America’s Next Top Model All Stars Recap: A Winner Is Crowned, Sorta

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America s Next Top Model All Stars Recap  A Winner Is Crowned  Sorta image jpgHere’s the thing about reality competitions: as much fun as they are most of the way through, they always kind of bore me by the end. Sometimes I don’t even watch Top Model season finales. (I know. But I feel like this is a safe space.) Anyway, the finale of Top Model’s first All Stars cycle was reasonably entertaining, although the biggest twist happened off-screen. I mean, Tyra had Angelea killed, right? Just want to make sure we’re all on the same page. But more on that in a bit.

The episode began with Angelea’s proclamation: “We are the three baddest bitches in the world.” And sure, that’s one word for it. It was kind of nice to see the three remaining contenders hug it out, especially knowing that they’d have to mud wrestle to the death. (Note: this didn’t happen, but how fun would that be!) Instead, the models talked about the shitty circumstances they’ve come from, because every reality competition is a Cinderella story about a Cinderella who’s not here to make friends. Anyway, obstacles: overcome. Congratulations, models—you’re all the belles of the ball.

Except Top Models are Highlanders: there can be only one, and also something about immortality and decapitation. So we started with Covergirl beauty shots, photographed by the Greekest of Greek photogs Nikos Papadopoulos. (That’s seriously his name!) Covergirl Director of Communications Paige Cali was on hand to offer useless musings. (Lisa has a “vivacious personality.” Who fucking knew?) Allison ran into problems because her eyes are still super sensitive to the sun. “I feel frustrated with myself,” she lamented, even though it’s not her fault that she’s a Kewpie doll.

Next up were the commercials. Angelea knocked it out of the park, and she did it looking like a drag queen, so good for her! Lisa was fine but not as over-the-top as we’ve come to expect. And Allison still has trouble shilling for Covergirl, which, honestly, who cares? Of the three, she’s the most likely to have an actual career. Maybe Allison’s too good for Covergirl. Maybe Allison’s too good for all of us.

The runway show was pretty elaborate: the models had to swim to the runway, then transform into goddesses, then fly in the air, then ski down a chasm, then do a 10-minute comedy set, then do the runway walk to the “pot ledom” songs they wrote a few weeks back. (I think I might have missed some steps there. Sorry!) It was cool to see the dresses Michael Cinco created based on the contestants’ specifications. Allison’s and Lisa’s were actually pretty great, and Angelea’s looked like the kind of thing Angelea would design. [tagbox tag=”America’s Next Top Model”]

Everyone did reasonably well. I’m not a great judge of runway walks, but I will say that all three could probably work on their swimming form. In fact, the only really interesting moment came when Lisa’s hair got caught in her mask and she ended up swimming into a wall. Angelea was worried about drowning, but then she didn’t even drown a little, so that was kind of a bust.

OK, here’s where things got weird. When we returned from the commercial break, Tyra explained that the producers learned information about Angelea that disqualified her from the competition, and that they would only be judging Allison and Lisa. So we’re just going to let that go? According to my intense internet research (I Googled), Angelea actually won Top Model All Stars and then leaked that information via Facebook, which is a big no-no. And also why I’m certain Tyra had her put down. You don’t do Top Model like that, Angelea. Regardless, it sort of killed any momentum the finale might have had otherwise. I was too busy thinking about Angelea’s whereabouts to care when Lisa won.

Oh, Lisa won. Crap, did I make that anticlimactic? Well, now you know how I feel watching Top Model. Finale aside, All Stars was an entertaining season, and I will never tire of Tyra finding new and exciting ways to parody herself. On the other hand, I’m glad it’s over, and I look forward to a new crop of girls eager to demean themselves for 15 minutes of reality show fame. Let’s all practice our booty tooches before then.