American Horror Story: Hotel Recap: In Which Ryan Murphy Remembered (And Didn’t Tie Up) All Of The Loose Ends

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Basically the theme of the season. (via)

Look, I know there are bigger problems in this world than the physical and emotional torture that I have to endure watching American Horror Story: Hotel every week, but let’s forget about that for now. I have to say, I wasn’t expecting to be as distressed by this current season of AHS as I am. I thought that, after the horror show that was Freak Show‘s Twisty the Clown, this season would be okay. I thought that all of the initial critiques about how the show didn’t actually have much of a solid plot but was rather just a mass of nonsensical and seemingly unconnected stories were wrong and rash.

But I was wrong. I was blind but now I see. This season is terrible, and you’re all terrible for making me watch it for you. Consider this our official breakup until next week when I write a new recap. Since I want this to be amicable, I’m going to go ahead and recap last night’s episode, “She Wants Revenge,” for you, but just know that I’m not happy about it.

Here are the 15 most WTF moments:

1. When they FINALLY addressed the fact that zombie Valentino (Finn Wittrock) and his wife (Alexandra Daddario) escaped the hotel and breezed out of the Hotel Cortez like, “TURNDOWN SERVICE HERE SUCKED, TBH.” And it was all done during a delightful little voiceover in which the Countess (Lady Gaga) bemoaned her ability to love and also issued a gentle reminder that she’s almost 100 years old and deserves some respect in her old age.

2. When Will Drake (Cheyenne Jackson) and the Countess were planning their wedding and proceeded to get sassed beyond believe by Liz Taylor (Denis O’Hare). Actually, no, I’m cool with this. The Countess did kill Dandy Tristan, after all, even if it did take three weeks to address it.

3. When the news FINALLY addressed the horde of demon blood toddlers from the Halloween episodeI mean, really? It took THAT long to find a place to fit them in?

4. When the Countess drew on some eyebrows and found Valentino hiding out in a shitty motel, then immediately cut to a scene wherein she was boning Donovan (Matt Bomer). Look, I’ll never complain about seeing a mostly-naked Matt Bomer, but this love trapezoid that the Countess has going on with Donovan, Valentino, Drake, and Evan Peters is a little silly. Once again, the Countess promises Donovan that she’ll kill Drake and steal his money once they’re married, which I think she will, but the question remains: is she loyal to Valentino or Donovan? My money’s on Valentino.

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5. When Ryan Murphy decided that there wasn’t enough sex this season, so he had some dude named Stormcock stop by the hotel to shoot a porn. Then he had Iris (Kathy Bates) preach about how porn is bad for society and how she’s refusing to sit around and let things happen when she doesn’t approve of them, so don’t even try to tell me that Murphy’s not trying to shove his social agenda down all our throats. But it’s fine, I guess, because he had Kathy Bates say “douchebag” a lot and then murder some bitches. Insert bad joke here about how Kathy Bates is “killing it” this season.

6. When Donovan walks in on Iris draining some lady’s blood, and then they discuss their evil plot. SUPPOSEDLY, Donovan isn’t actually in love with the Countess, and he’s still in cahoots with Iris and Foxy Cleopatra (Angela Bassett). Now, obviously, this can’t be true, because we’re not all as stupid as Ryan Murphy seems to think. But Iris accepts Donovan’s words, and then Donovan finds the male pornstar hiding in the bathroom and grabs him up because the porn star forgot to say, “Swiper, no swiping.”

7. When it’s Drake and the Countess’s wedding day, Mare Winningham shows up and, very indelicately, tells Drake that he should probably kill himself. She’s wise to the Countess’s act, so she’s simply trying to get Drake to call off the wedding, but she lacks some serious grace and social skills. Also, we finally understand why she hates the Countess so much: Mare was in love with Evan Peters, and he rejected her in the only way he knew how:

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Really spared her feelings on that one. (via)

And then Mare told Drake that, when he died, she’d be happy to clean the blood and poop off of his suit. So considerate!

8. When the Countess requested that the hallway in which zombie Valentino and his wife were trapped be turned into a secure “archive for Drake’s old designs.” AKA a torture chamber for all the people she hates, because who doesn’t want one of those?

9. When we get some VERY UNNECESSARILY DEPRESSING backstory on Foxy Cleopatra. As it turns out, she was so heartbroken when the Countess ended things with her that she went home to her family, where she had an ailing mother and a father with slowly worsening Alzheimer’s. Cliff notes version: the mother dies, the father’s Alzheimer’s gets worse, the father’s house gets robbed and the father gets killed, and Foxy Cleopatra revives him with her blood so that he can live an undead life with Alzheimers. This goes on for about 20 years before her father kills some dudes because he was thirsty. Upon realizing that this is no way for her father to live, Foxy Cleopatra drowns him in his bathtub, then decides that 20 years is long enough to not be angry and vengeful. And that, my friends, is why it’s taken so long for her begin her plot against the Countess. Because Alzheimer’s and dead parents is a totally acceptable plot-furthering device.

10. When the show just took a turn for the stupid as Dr. Demon Blood Lady (Chloe Sevigny) rolled up on a house where the demon blood toddlers had just killed a pizza man. And then the kids proceeded to suck, while the two girls expressed their desire to maybe not commit murder anymore. It was all very dumb.

11. When Donovan and Foxy Cleopatra roll up on the Countess while she sleeps so they can kill her. Donovan claims he slipped tranquilizers into her drink, but the the fact that she woke up right before Foxy could kill her begs to differ. Donovan and Iris lock Foxy Cleopatra in a neon cage in the Countess’s Hallway of Doom, Donovan expresses his undying love for the Countess, and all is right with the dumb AHS world.

12. When the Countess goes to see Valentino before her wedding to tell him that she kind of hates his wife. So, yeah, this should go well. Also, I don’t care if she’s a zombie, the haircut Valentino’s wife was sporting was godawful.

13. When the Countess and Drake have the shortest wedding ever, and Drake immediately heads over to the bar, which is definitely a good sign of a successful marriage. He and Evan Peters then FINALLY meet, Evan Peters shows off his butt is a great pair of slacks, and then he tells Drake about Bartholomew, the Countess’s secret demon baby.

14. When Drake had the audacity to call a baby ugly, so the Countess clocked him right on the head. Honestly, you don’t call a baby ugly to its or its mother’s face. That’s just common sense .

15. When Drake woke up in the Hallway of Doom, and let Foxy Cleopatra out of her cage. She then proceeded to eat him. Some people are just so ungrateful, you know?

So, that’s it. That’s everything. Ryan Murphy included a stupid porn, an underwhelming wedding, and dumb demon blood toddlers in one episode, all in order to kill one character that had an expiration date since his first appearance.

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Me, basically. (via)

At least Angela Bassett was in this episode. That’s all I have to say about that.