American Horror Story: Hotel Recap: Is It Still A Twist If Everyone Saw It Coming From The Beginning?

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It’s not even Christmas yet, but this is all I have to say to Ryan Murphy. (via)

Well, it’s been a nice two-week vacation, friends, but we’re back. On a scale of one to 10, how much did you miss me? You’re somewhere around a soft four, right? It’s cool, that’s kind of how I feel about American Horror Story: Hotel in general, so I forgive you.

Seriously, is it just me, or has this show just gotten impossibly hard to follow and, well, just bad? Like, I definitely think early critics spoke too soon when they said that all the separate plot lines made no sense together, because things are indeed starting to come full circle, but it seems so half-assed and lazy that I can’t really help but think that Ryan Murphy kind of jumped ship on this season to focus on Scream Queens, the campy and all-around not good parody of all of Murphy’s work combined. 

But you’re not here to listen to me complain (well, actually, all I do in these recaps is complain, so I guess you technically are). You’re here to find out what happened in “The Ten Commandments Killer,” last night’s episode of AHS: Hotel. So let’s just get to it, then. Here’s everything that confused me about last night’s episode, in recap form:

1. When we had a little #tbt to the time the friendly demon blood child ran in front of a bus, and even though she was already dead, no one immediately called 911. This is dead-child-in-the-middle-of-the-road 101, people. Just call the damn ambulance.

2. When beardless Seneca Crane: Redux (Wes Bentley) goes to the hotel in a rage and shatters Liz Taylor’s (Denis O’Hare) silent moment of mourning for Dandy Tristan (Finn Wittrock). Why can’t anyone just let Liz Taylor live? But anyway, beardless SCR continued his series pattern of raging at all the wrong people, insisting that the Ten Commandments Killer was in the hotel until Mustang Sally (Sarah Paulson) came up to him and offered him answers.

3. When apparently all of the answers are in Room 64, which is not suspicious at all considering that’s Evan Peters’ old office and the room that beardless SCR checked intoBut beardless SCR can’t be the Ten Commandments Killer, right? Because that would mean I was right from the very beginning and that this is the most lazily written show in all of existence.

4. When Mustang Sally shows beardless SCR a secret room behind a wardrobe that’s basically a moderately less-cool Narnia full of gross body parts that have been removed from dead people. Then, in a very dramatic and flashback-ridden scene, she explains to beardless SCR Evan Peters was the first Ten Commandments Killer, then he died at 2:25 a.m. in 1925 (which is why those alarm clocks kept going off at 2:25 a.m. and ghostly activity started) before he could complete his work. Then, he spent close to a century try to find his successor before apparently settling on beardless SCR. Then we get a fun little montage of him committing all the murders. But, of course, he doesn’t remember anything, because the hotel seems to have a convenient way of making outsiders forget everything that they did inside…even though he left the building to commit all the murders. #Sure. So, beardless SCR was the Ten Commandments Killer all along. That was the “twist” of the season, and this is officially the most lazily written show in all of existence. Good job, Ryan Murphy.

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5. When beardless SCR heads to the morgue where his nice partner is checking out the dead demon blood child, and beardless SCR thinks that this feels like a good time to confess to serial murder. I mean, might as well. Not much else to do when you’re in a morgue, really.

6. When beardless SCR remembers everything now, because Mustang Sally has mystical memory-reinstating powers. [Author’s note:  Gird yourselves, because I’m about to throw a lot nonsensical information at you, and I won’t take it personally if you get lost along the way. Here goes nothing!]. Do you remember that case that beardless SCR worked on right before his son was kidnapped? You know, the one with the dead family? Well, that case drove him to drink, and the only place that was open in the middle of the night was the Hotel Cortez (because of course). He went in, ordered a drink from Liz Taylor, got pseudo-propositioned by Donovan (Matt Bomer), which, TBH, sounds like a great night, then went upstairs to meet Evan Peters and the Countess (Lady Gaga) during one of their monthly dinners. The following wonderful things ensued:

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This is how I will dismiss everyone for the rest of my life. (via)

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#Same. Also, that face palm. (via)

Anywho, after this glorious exchange, Evan Peters and beardless SCR got to talking, and long story short, Evan Peters got beardless SCR to admit that the only thing in life with meaning is death, and that he was a very promising serial killer. There was also a lot of talk about auras, so that was nice. Apparently, beardless SCR spent two days in the hotel talking to a ghost with an old timey accent, which his wife, Dr. Demon Blood Lady (Chloe Sevigny) didn’t love.

7. When Evan Peters and the Countess conspired to kidnap beardless SCR’s child in order to set him off and push him into madness. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. (Seriously, this is one of the few well-explained actions in the show. They wanted to make beardless SCR evil by forcing him to give up on humanity, and losing a child will definitely do that to you.)

8. When Evan Peters revealed his murder-y tendencies to beardless SCR by showing him the head of his old accountant, and this is where things get hairy. Okay, try to stay with me: after one of beardless SCR’s cases ended poorly (the bad guy got away), he was convinced there was no justice in the world. That’s when Evan Peters told beardless SCR that a man had checked into the hotel with a little kid, and that he had apparently taken gross pictures of the child porn variety of said kid. Now, let me remind you that we’re learning all of this straight from beardless SCR’s mouth as he confesses it to his partner in the morgue, and the partner chimes in stating that they closed that case and it turned out that the man wasn’t actually a pedophile. But apparently, that didn’t matter to beardless SCR, because he answered a Craigslist ad that this man placed about selling an Academy Award (sweet!), and beardless SCR went to his apartment and bludgeoned the guy to death with it anyway. Supposedly there were other sins he had to pay for? I’d venture a guess that it was the “worshiping false idols” thing, considering he called the Oscar “the most important trophy in the world.” But that was never really made clear. It was around this time that I officially gave up on the show. But I won’t give up on any of you!

9. When beardless SCR tried to hang himself in the now-dead dude’s bathroom. Okay, things are starting to get hairy again. Mustang Sally was there when it happened, and she was going to let him die, because it appears that she was in love with him and thought they could be together in death. And, oh yeah, it’s around now that they decide to reveal that beardless SCR and Mustang Sally were carrying on a years-long affair that beardless SCR conveniently forgot every time he left the hotel.

10. When Evan Peters magically shows up to cut beardless SCR down, and the starts talking about some “arrangement” he has with Mustang Sally. I can only really give you my understanding of it, because I legitimately couldn’t understand what Evan Peters was saying due to his accent and the fact that the scary spiky dildo monster kept showing up behind him making noises. Here’s what I gleaned: Evan Peters protects Mustang Sally from the Countess and any subsequent monster that should appear in the hotel, and in return, she keeps beardless SCR alive to complete his Ten Commandments mission. I also got the impression that Mustang Sally is the one who controls the spiky dildo monster. But if anyone could either corroborate my story or offer my some clarity, I’d really appreciate it.

11. When it turns out that beardless SCR and Evan Peters bonded over how much they loved killing, and Mustang Sally helped beardless SCR find the murder victims. Also, it was Evan Peters’ idea for beardless SCR to make him the lead detective on the case to avoid making him a suspect. At least that part of this whole shitstorm made sense.

12. When Dr. Demon Blood Lady (you know, when she was still just Dr. Vaccinate Your Kids Plz) expressed her concerns about beardless SCR’s increasing level of insanity to his partner, and he made the mistake of telling beardless SCR about it. So, naturally, beardless SCR assumed that his partner and his wife were boning. So, naturally, he attributed that to the sin of “thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife.” So, naturally, beardless SCR stabbed his partner to death. Teamwork, am I right?

13. When beardless SCR went back to the hotel and the episode kind of just went in its own way. He told Iris (Kathy Bates) that he remembered anything, and she expressed her relief that she didn’t have to walk on eggshells around him anymore. Apparently, he’d been coming in for months as both the beardless SCR that was a detective and the beardless SCR that was a murderer, and she never knew which one she was going to get. She tried to encourage him to stop now that he knew what he was, but he likes murder too much, so Iris can just sit down and deal. He went to the shitty Narnia of gross body parts, slapped his partner’s testicles on the display, and told Evan Peters that he was going to finish the job.

And that’s it. That’s everything. That’s all of it.

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Do you understand what’s going on? What do you think happened to Valentino and his wife after they just strolled out of the Cortez like they hadn’t just eaten, like, 12 people? And please, for God’s sake, WILL SOMEONE JUST TELL ME WHERE ANGELA BASSETT IS? Feel free to discuss these questions, and many more, in the comments.