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American Horror Story: Hotel Recap: A Study in Why You Should Never Break Evan Peters’ Heart

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gaga and evan

Me, for this entire episode. (via)

I'm starting to get the impression that this entire season of American Horror Story: Hotel is just one big film study lesson in the importance of character development, because if I have to go one more episode where the plot barely moves forward an inch, I may scream. Or, better yet, I may turn into a mattress monster, because at least that way I'd get to lie around in bed all day.

Seriously though. I get that establishing backstory for some of the more complicated characters in this show is important in understanding their motivations, but honestly, I feel like all we've seen this season is Lady Gaga‘s butt, vague references to a religiously-fueled killing spree, and Wes Bentley‘s interpretation of how Seneca Crane probably felt after President Snow forced him to poison himself after Katniss and Peeta tricked them into beating the 74th Annual Hunger Games. I'm not saying I'm not enjoying it, but I'm not not saying that.

I can't help thinking that everything would be made better by the brief appearance of either Jessica Lange or Pepper (Naomi Grossman), but at this point, I'm almost too exhausted from watching what's essentially turned into soft-core vampire porn to care.

Let's just talk about all the moments that made me wish Ryan Murphy would get a move on with this season, okay?

1. When Will Drake (Cheyenne Jackson) decided to renovate the hotel and also explain bisexuality to his son (Lyric Angel). At this point, I just kind of let things happen on this show.

2. When two construction workers find steel walls that weren't in the city plans for the hotel, so they decided to go sleuthin'. And, as anyone who ever read a Nancy Drew book knows, going sleuthin' never leads to anything good. I mean, in most cases it doesn't lead to two zombie creatures popping out of a bricked-up hallway and eating some sassy construction workers. Usually it just leads to the protagonist having to sit and listen to the big bad villain's evil plans for world domination, but, you know, sometimes people just don't have time to write those kinds of speeches. Not when there are human necks to be eaten.

3. When beardless Seneca Crane: Redux (Wes Bentley) checked himself into a psych ward. At first I was like, “Oh, this is great, finally we have an AHS character doing the responsible thing for his life.” Then, we learned that the only reason he's there is because he peeped at some police records and discovered that the police have a Ten Commandments Killer suspect locked up in that same psych ward, and I was all:

4. When Iris (Kathy Bates) and The Countess (Lady Gaga) find the hole in the wall where the two construction workers were eaten by zombies. The only reason I'm really including this, other than the fact that Gaga looking scared shitless, is because it was prefaced by a conversation between the two ladies about bleached assholes. Kathy Bates said “bleached asshole” more than once, and I loved every minute of it.

5. When Marcy the realtor (Christine Estabrook) was staying in the hotel, because, as we know, she specializes in ghost abodes. She was chatting on the phone with someone who probably sucks almost as much as she does, then hangs up because she thinks room service has arrived. We all know now that “room service” is just a euphemism for “grisly murder with no chicken fingers,” so that was just a rookie mistake on her part. Needless to say, she got snacked on by the zombies from the beginning of the episode.

6. When there was a glorious flashback to 1925 Hollywood. Okay, we'e about to do some serious Cliff Notes-ing, so strap in. As we already know, The Countess was an actress when she was still human. She meets Rodolfo Valentino (Finn Wittrock), a man who suspiciously is Dandy Tristan's twin, BUT I'M SURE THAT WON'T BE IMPORTANT. The Countess then enters into a weird relationship with Valentino and his wife, Natasha (Alexandra Daddario), probably because Ryan Murphy was looking for an excuse to write another threesome into the script. On the bright side, Lady Gaga looked unreal:

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Dat fingerwave doe. (via)

7. When we learned that, after Valentino was reportedly found dead, The Countess married Mr. March (Evan Peters). And there was more on-screen sex and Evan said things like, “you're a revelation” in his weird, old-timey accent. It was not entirely unenjoyable. Oh, and then she walked in on him chopping up a hobo, and she told him that murdering hobos was wrong and that he should murder rich folks instead so at least he could make a profit afterward. The Countess is truly a businesswoman at heart. We still don't know who her baby's father is, though.

8. When, still within this never-ending flashback, we find out that Valentino is in fact not dead but has been turned into a vampire. By none other than F.W. Murnau, the German film director responsible for the classic horror movie Nosferatu. The reasoning behind Valentino's desire to turn into a vamp is pretty murky, but it had something to do with the fact that, once silent films were a thing of the past, people with thick Italian accents like his wouldn't be able to work. So, naturally, the only logical solution is to become an immortal, blood-sucking sex monster. Then Valentino and Natasha turned The Countess into the glorious vampire lady we know and love and they all decided to run away to Europe together. And because life is inconvenient, Evan Peters heard this entire exchange.

9. When Ryan Murphy remembered that other things were happening during this episode, switched gears, and focused on beardless SCR again. In a genius move that will most certainly not have repercussions later, he assaulted a hospital guard and broke into the room housing the Ten Commandments Killer suspect: a little blond girl who, based on her wardrobe and the fact that she doesn't eat real food, is definitely a demon blood child. As it turns out, she bore witness to every single murder, and she doesn't want to give to killer up. There was also a pretty gross story about how her father definitely was planning on child-briding her when she grew up, which I'm sure was necessary to the plot.

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#Nope. (via)

10. When it's revealed that the zombies are actually Valentino and his wife, so I guess that's what happens when they don't have ready access to blood? Sure, why not? Good thing a trio of pretty sleazy cowboys showed up just in time for snacktime.

11. When Mr. March and The Countess are having their monthly dinner, and they were just sassing the hell out of each other. The Countess informed him that she was getting re-married, he offered to buy the guy steaks and also gently requested that she kill him away from the hotel so he wouldn't have to third wheel them forever. Then, he got particularly salty and told The Countess that he had Valentino and his wife locked up in the hotel, which was pretty devastating considering all this time The Countess just thought they had abandoned her. But it's cool, he said, they're out now.

12. When Valentino and his wife rolled on out of the hotel like, “Early checkout time, bitches.” Why were they suddenly cured of their zombie-hood after eating only three dudes? Where did they find those modern clothes that they definitely didn't have when they were first locked up? How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? The world may never know.

13. When beardless SCR breaks the little girl out of the psych ward under the pretense of her leading him to the Ten Commandments Killer. Then he gets all Batman vigilante and promises to kill the killer, and she's not about that life, so she jumps in front of a truck. The end.

I'll be honest guys: this season is just one big cluster-you-know-what, and I don't think I'm here for it. Luckily, there's no episode next week because ghosts celebrate Thanksgiving too, so we'll all get some time off to reflect. Until next time, sports fans!

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