American Horror Story: Hotel Recap: That Time Ryan Murphy Took ‘Little Monsters’ Too Literally

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#tbt to Season 1. (via)

Well guys, it finally happened: I got so genuinely scared during last night’s episode of American Horror Story: Hotel that I actually almost peed myself. It was bound to happen eventually. It’s only a matter of time until it really happens, and when it does, you’ll all be the first to know, probably because there’ll be some weird story circulating the Interwebs about how a crazed fan wrote an angry letter to Ryan Murphy blaming him for her lack of bladder control, vowing to write him a new letter every day until she’s no longer forced to wear diapers in public. Spoiler alert: that crazed fan will be me.

But enough about urine (for now, at least). Let’s talk about “Room 33” and about the benefits of safe sex:

1. When The Countess (Lady Gaga) rolls on up to Murder House from Season 1 to meet with Dr. Charles Montgomery (Matt Ross) circa 1926. I mean, I already knew that all the seasons of AHS were connected somehow, but we’re really not messing around anymore. Turns out that The Countess boned someone who is not her husband (a Mr. Johnson, apparently), and she is three weeks pregnant with what has to be the largest and fastest growing fetus on the planet, because she looks like she’s about to pop.

2. When they’re doing the damn thing (read: aborting that fetus), and then the three-week old fetus decides to snack on the helpful nurse. TBH this was gross and also everyone saw this coming from a mile away. And now we (kind of) understand The Countess’s obsession with saving children (I assume).

3. When beardless Seneca Crane: Redux (Wes Bentley) is just trying to enjoy his slumber when his demon blood child of a son (Lennon Henry) wakes him up like the selfish little blonde bitch he is. Then beardless SCR chases him around the hotel and finds him napping with Dr. Demon Blood Lady (Chloe Sevigny) in a coffin in the secret pool. So everyone’s plan to keep this whole “Dr. Demon Blood Lady should be the kids’ new governess” thing a secret lasted for all of five minutes. Then he passed out and conked his head right on the tile floor.

4. When Dandy Tristan (Finn Wittrock) and Liz Taylor (Denis O’Hare) are straight-up boning! Guys, Liz Taylor found love and it is just so adorable and I love it so much and no, I’m not mildly concerned that this is going to end badly given The Countess’s inability to allow anyone else to feel love, why do you ask?

5. When, in contrast, The Countess and Will Drake (Cheyenne Jackson) are boning, and significantly less cute. There was a whole lot of fancy lingerie and Drake being all, “Listen lady, you’re super hot, but I’m super gay, so it appears we’ve reached an impasse,” so The Countess does what she does best: sends Dandy Tristan a text that literally says “cum up” (gag) and then essentially forces him to bone to Drake while she goes off and runs some errands. Also, this is how Dandy Tristan was received upon his arrival:

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#RelationshipGoals. (via)

6. When Dr. Demon Bloody Lady walks into the hotel lobby looking like one of the characters out of TLC’s Breaking Amish and tells Liz Taylor that beardless SCR found out about their secret pool party. So obviously the only solution is to destroy the coffins (reasonable) and convince beardless SCR that he’s having a psychotic break (less reasonable).

7. When The Countess visits Room 33 looking like Princess Buttercup from The Princess Bride. Now her plan to marry Drake and steal all of his money makes sense: she wants to have enough so that she never has to abandon her baby (the undead resident of Room 33) ever again. Also, the baby’s name is Bartholomew, and there’s literally no way that this isn’t related to Beau, Jessica Lange‘s attic child from Season 1.

8. When Foxy Cleopatra (Angela Bassett) and Donovan (Matt Bomer) roll up into the hotel to join Iris (Kathy Bates) and exact their revenge. It all kind of goes awry though: the kids are missing which puts a damper on Foxy’s plan to kill them all, and Donovan just wants to go upstairs and sniff at The Countess’s undies like a creep.

9. When Donovan finds the two Swedish meatball ghosts who are sad because they killed a dude (but not really). This seems like the perfect opportunity for Donovan to explain that they’re stuck in the hotel, doomed to repeat the same actions over and over, until they “find a purpose.” This involved a v gross story about a woman who killed herself, spent months decomposing in a bathtub, then popped out like “hai” to kill people, because that’s apparently all hotel residents’ purpose. We also got to see Darren Criss angrily banging on a door asking for a kale for all eternity, which, if you’ve ever been to Whole Foods, you know is hell in itself. Now, the Swedish meatballs are on a mission to find their purpose.

10. When Foxy Cleopatra goes to Room 33 to kill The Countess’s baby. I guess it makes sense that she would know about the baby, considering she and The Countess were together for a long time. But then, when she’s looking for it, the baby rolls a ball at her (JUST LIKE THE SEASON 1 ATTIC CHILD, MIND YOU), and promptly tries to eat her face. Then it escapes, because that’s what this hotel needs: another homicidal demon baby on the loose.

11. When Liz Taylor and Foxy Cleopatra discuss their concern re: the missing demon baby and also Liz Taylor’s love life. 

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Seems like an inappropriate time for girl talk, but what do I know? (via)

Liz wants to tell The Countess about her love for Dandy Tristan, and Foxy Cleopatra is all, “mmmmm, bettah not.” That was basically the whole conversation.

12. When we discover that the Swedish meatball ghosts tried to double team the dude they killed before they killed him. They literally attacked while screaming “Fast and Furious,” like the Vin Diesel movie. Honestly, I don’t even know. Then, Dr. Blood Demon Lady walks in and convinces them that the logical next step is to sic them on her husband.

13. When beardless SCR happens upon another victim of the Ten Commandments Killer, and I really just kind of want to focus on this story line for a while. Does no one else find this endlessly fascinating? Any guesses as to who this killer actually is? Can you all tell that I have a deep and unrelenting love for Criminal Minds?

14. When beardless SCR goes back to the hotel and has the bloodiest threesome ever with the Swedish meatball ghosts and my immediate reaction was, “Yeah, I’d probably hook up with him.” Things got pretty bloody, and we couldn’t find the source of the blood, which was pretty gross. Then, he went butt-ass naked to the hotel and was met with this glorious sass:

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“Looks like that breakdown is going well.” – Liz Taylor (via)

Then Evan Peters FINALLY shows up and tells beardless SCR how happy he is that he’s finally “really checking in” to the hotel, a.k.a. going bananas. So, beardless SCR packs up his things and leaves the hotel, and of course, the demon baby sneaks into the suitcase and somehow doesn’t take up so much room that beardless SCR can’t fit all of his flannels.

15. When beardless SCR brings his daughter (Shree Crooks) home, acts like a lunatic, shoots at the demon baby that has managed to find its way into their kitchen, and scares the pants off of his daughter. Naturally, she wants to go back to grandma’s, and who can blame her, really?

16. When Liz Taylor tells The Countess about his love for Dandy Tristan, and I hate to say I told you so, but it doesn’t go well. Long story short, The Countess pretend to be understanding of Liz Taylor’s love and willing to let him have Dandy Tristan, then she pulls the classic switcheroo like:

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RIP, Dandy 2.0 (via)

17. When she goes to her baby after all of this, sees that Dr. Demon Blood Lady saved it after it ran away, and then lets us see the baby and also lets me wish I was wearing adult diapers. Be warned, it’s gross and obviously fake:

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I’M OUT. (via)

Can we all just not, for one second?

Final words: if Evan Peters doesn’t come back in a big way next week, I’m going to launch into a full-on public rage. You’ve been warned.