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American Horror Story: Hotel Recap: Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner?

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scared and hony

My feelings toward Evan Peters' character, in case you were wondering. (via)

I'm just gonna give it to you straight: I really don't even know what I watched during last night's episode of American Horror Story: Hotel. This season's Halloween episode, “Devil's Night,” was, I hope, meant to be a standalone episode, because honestly, not much went down. I mean, Lady Gaga did bite some people up (kinda) and Evan Peters continued to do strange things to my emotions, but other than that, we just watched an hour of the world's most uncomfortable dinner party. And I've been to meals during freshman orientation in college. 

That said, this episode really was right up my alley, mostly because I find serial killers fascinating and oh my god guys I think I legitimately need help. There was also a dead dog at one point in the episode, so I could just still be traumatized. I'll let you know.

Here are last night's silliest moments!

1. When the first serial killer of the evening shows up and Liz Taylor (Denis O'Hare) could literally not be more happy to serve him. It was Richard Ramirez (Anthony Ruivivar), aka the Night Stalker, aka you definitely spent a lot of time on Wikipedia during last night's episode. Oh, and he's been dead since 2013. So I'm assuming that this is like Murder House and the dead can only leave the place in which they died on Halloween. That has to be it, right? Otherwise Ryan Murphy is just one big ghost hypocrite, and that's the worst kind, TBH.

2. When Evan Peters leaves Richard Ramirez a “gift” in his room, and surprise, that gift is two lovely Arizonian tourists for him to bludgeon. Then, when one of the women tried to run away screaming, “There's a killer after me,” Evan Peters popped out from behind a wall and said, “And I'm the killer before you.” #SlayedWithPuns #ActuallySlayedByAMurderer

jason sudeikis

My reaction, basically. (via)

3. When beardless Seneca Crane: Redux (Wes Bentley) calls his daughter (Shree Crooks), who I'm convinced is the devil and I'll tell you why. First, she says she'd rather learn how to make banana cream pie than go trick-or-treating. Then, she has a lackluster reaction to Disnyeland. LIKE WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING WITH YOUR CHILDHOOD IF YOU'RE NOT EXCITED ABOUT CANDY AND MICKEY MOUSE?

4. When beardless SCR finds blood on the wall and is all, “I'm 99 percent sure this wasn't there before.” Then he goes upstairs and finds Maid Mare Winningham unsuccessfully cleaning a bunch of bloody sheets, per usual. Then we find out that her son was kidnapped and murdered by a creepy farmboy serial killer on Halloween in 1925, because this is American Horror Story and honestly I think Ryan Murphy has lost his mind.

5. When Dr. Vaccinate Your Kids Plz (Chloe Sevigny) brings her demon blood child (Lennon Henry) home from the hotel, which honestly was pretty rude because why on earth would he want to leave his candy-filled game room of fun? He clearly wasn't about this change of scenery, because he proceeded to eat the family dog and I proceeded to cry for the rest of the night.

you can all just die

Me, to all of the AHS writers. (via)

6. When Dr. Vaccinate Your Kids Plz takes her demonic, dog-murdering bitch of a kid back to the hotel, and Lady Gaga decides the time is ripe to explain herself. Because we haven't just endured the senseless death of the cutest puppy ever or anything. Basically, the conversation didn't go well; Gaga just told the doctor what we already know about the “ancient virus,” the doctor pulls a gun on her, and then Dandy Tristan (Finn Wittrock) comes in looking like a pirate and smacks her around. Honestly, this is the only important storyline in the entire episode, and we're focusing on it for maybe 15 percent of the time.

7. When beardless SCR is ready to get his drink on like Donkey Kong and the second murderer of the night shows up. This time, it's Aileen Wuornos, which I'm only excited about because it meant the glorious return of Lily Rabe to our screens! I won't go into details about her life (that's what that nifty little link is for), but she likes to kill dudes a lot. After some conversation, she proceeds to tie beardless SCR to a chair and then yell at him for attacking her, which is confusing for obvious reasons.

lily rabe

So hot right now. (via)

8. When beardless SCR pulls a Cornelius Fudge and refuses to believe that Voldemort is back these serial killers are real despite all of the evidence to the contrary. Then Liz Taylor gives him a fancy tux and an invitation to Evan Peters' Devil's Night dinner, which he goes to because he must be really desperate for social interaction a free meal. Same, TBH.

9. When honestly, things just got out of hand. I don't really know how to describe what happened for about 30 minutes. Basically, the dinner guests consisted of Evan Peters, Aileen Wuornos, Richard Ramirez, John Wayne Gacy (John Carroll Lynch, who seems to be enjoying haunting my dreams as every scary clown known to man), and Jeffrey Dahmer (Seth Gabel). Oh, and the Zodiac killer was there, too, and he was wearing a bag over his head that was so square that at first glance I thought it was supposed to be Frankenstein. They all proceeded to basically roofie beardless SCR using absinthe, then Evan Peters gave a teary-eyed speech about how all these serial killers were the real American success story, and I started to give a teary-eyed speech to myself about sad I still was about that dog dying earlier. There was just a lot happening.

10. When Mustang Sally (Sarah Paulson) lured a very attractive finance man to the dinner after selling him a boatload of cocaine. Because if The Wolf of Wall Street taught us anything, it's the finance guys love their coke. What they probably don't love is being stabbed to death by a bunch of serial killer ghosts, but unfortunately, that's what happened. Then Mustang Sally convinced beardless SCR that he had just hallucinated the whole thing, and then I convinced myself that I also hallucinated the dog dying earlier so I could get on with my life.

11. When Lady Gaga turned Dr. Vaccinate Your Kids Plz into demon blood child adult. I'm pretty sure this is what the entire episode was leading up to. So, yeah, Chloe Sevigny licked Lady Gaga's bloody boob, and now she's probably not going to be too worried about vaccines anymore, given her whole “gift of health and vitality” thing.

And that was the whole episode. Really, that was it. I'm starting to lose faith in Ryan Murphy's ability to put together an entertaining show, guys, and not just because Scream Queens is somehow still on the air. Also, I miss Foxy Cleopatra (Angela Bassett) and Donovan's (Matt Bomer) shirtless body.

Oh, and Lily Rabe called Evan Peters “Clark Gable,” which is easily the most accurate comparison I've ever heard.

good

#Good. (via)

#Bye.

P.S. WHERE THE HELL IS PEPPER?

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