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American Horror Story: Hotel Recap: Ghosts Dream About Being Social Media Stars, Too

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gaga finale

This is the glamorous face of a vampire-turned-Golden Globe winner. (via)

Well, it's been a terrible run, but we've finally made it to the end of the line. Last night marked the season finale of American Horror Story: Hoteland, somehow, someway, it managed to reach its all-time low. I'm talking ghosts-becoming-social-media-stars low.

That said, this finale wasn't without its graces. It was clear that Ryan Murphy was making some kind of effort to redeem himself, and he didn't completely fail. After all, he did reprise Devil's Night, which was arguably the best episode of the season, probably because it was a standalone episode and held no real bearing on the rest of the season.

But I digress. For the very last time—or until the sixth season airs, hopefully with Jessica Lange in tow—let's get to it:

1. When the episode started with Liz Taylor (Denis O'Hare) waxing poetic about improving the hotel, only to get her throat slit. Ugh, Ryan Murphy would kill the only good character on this show.

2. When people started checking into the hotel because Liz and Iris (Kathy Bates) were luring people in with good Yelp reviews and new decorations. At least the happy couple got to enjoy the fancy Japanese robotic toilet before Mustang Sally (Sarah Paulson) walked in, complained about the lack of old, druggie-filled mattresses, and promptly drugged one half of the couple. But don't worry, the other made a swift exit, right into the arms of Will Drake (Cheyenne Jackson), who was quick to join in on this stabby murder game.

3. When Liz and Iris called a Ghost Meeting, and there was a fun Ghost Reunion! The Swedish meatballs were there, as was the lumbersexual that Dandy Tristan (Finn Wittrock) killed after meeting him on Grindr. It was all just a bundle of fun. Liz and Iris asked them to stop killing, because honestly, it makes it hard to turn a profit when all the guests keep dying. Then, Evan Peters showed up, claiming that he felt complete, that he didn't want to risk losing the hotel, and that they had to all chill out until 2026 when the hotel could become a historic landmark and not get torn down. There was also a reference to Colonel Sanders and KFC, to which Evan responded, “I'm not familiar with your military man and his fondness for poultry.” #Comedy.

4. When Iris turned Mustang Sally into a social media star. I literally couldn't be more upset about that sentence. The idea behind it was nice: Iris wanted to pull Mustang Sally out of her drug-fueled, '90s-style depression and enter reality, because when you have social media, you're never alone. Soon Sally was mastering YouTube, hashtags, and Instagram flat lays better than anyone, which, of course, led her to sobriety. Because that's the power of Facebook.

5. When Liz offers to revive Drake's fallen fashion house. Honestly, any excuse to see Denis O'Hare walk around in five-inch heels is good enough for me.

liz

#SoFabulous. (via)

6. When we finally address that, despite having died in the hotel, Dandy Tristan has yet to make an appearance since his death. There's only one way to solve this problem: invite Billie Dean, Sarah Paulson's character from Murder House, to the Cortez to find Tristan, Long Island Medium-style! Seriously. We've now done some serious season-mixing this time around, and I'm not mad. Anyway, long story short, Tristan doesn't want to talk to Liz, and Donovan (Matt Bomer) is in heaven where every day is Saturday morning and he has blueberry pancakes, which is a pretty accurate representation of what heaven probably is.

7. When Liz gets diagnosed with prostate cancer because everything is awful. She doesn't want to give up her connection with her son, who just had a baby, so she enlists the ghosts to kill her in the hotel so that her family can come visit her. Right before they all get Liz, the Countess (Lady Gaga) walks in and kills Liz quickly and peacefully, which was pretty nice considering how much they seemed to care for each other. OH, then Dandy Tristan shows up and explains that he left Liz alone because she had more living to do and he didn't want to get in her way. Now they can be together forever and ever and honestly it's pretty cute.

8. When we flash forward to Devil's Night in 2022. Billie Dean apparently has been filming her Lifetime show all over the hotel, so all these weirdos have been checking in, and the real hotel residents aren't really feeling it. But, you know, it's Devil's Night, so some bitches are gonna meet some serial killers, and it's gonna be a barrel of laughs.

9. When bearless Seneca Crane: Redux (Wes Bentley) shows up on Devil's Night and implies that this is the one night a year he can be in the hotel, thus implying that he's also dead. So, I guess he's just dead now? I mean, he sucked, so, like, fine.

10. When beardless SCR and Billie Dean meet to talk, and we can't see him on camera, so yeah, he has to be dead. Quick recap of beardless SCR's life post-hotel: he kept killing dogs to feed his demon blood child (Lennon Henry) and wife (Chloe Sevigny), but those obviously didn't taste as good, and they were getting hangry. As a result, the daughter (Shree Crooks) suggests that they all go back to the hotel where they feel safe, and she'll join Drake's awful son at boarding school. Now that beardless SCR is back in Los Angeles, there are plenty of “expendable” people to kill, but eventually the police catch up to him, and he dies in a shootout outside of the hotel, thus making him the kind of ghost that can only return with the rest of March's serial killer babies on Devil's Night. Aaaand scene.

11. When we have Devil's Night Part II, and they threaten the hell out of Billie Dean. There's a lot of talk about white spirits and wetness and it was not great. Then Foxy Cleopatra (Angela Bassett) comes out and says that if Billie Dean doesn't do as the serial killer ghosts ask and stay out of the hotel for good, she'll find her and eat her dead. Billie leaves, and the ghosts are triumphant.

12. When beardless SCR's grown daughter comes to the hotel to see her family, and it was a little bit sweet because they could all happily be together. You know, despite the fact that beardless SCR is a dead serial killer. And Dr. Demon Blood Lady and demon blood child are vampires.

13. When the Countess hits on some hot brunette at the bar. She tells him he has a jawline for days, proving once again that all men are just trying to live up to Matt Bomer's standards.

matt bomer

Still the MVP of the Hotel Cortez, even in ghostless death. (via)

And that's it. That's everything! If the ending of this season taught us anything, it's that Ryan Murphy's only method for properly wrapping up a story is to just kill everyone off. Then again, I don't exactly mind, because that means that we'll never have to deal with any of these insufferable characters in Season 6 or ever again.

The end.

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