American Horror Story: Hotel Recap: Can We Just All Agree That Ryan Murphy Gave Up On Us?

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Happy New Year, friends! Did you miss me? No? Well, did you at least miss me more than I missed American Horror Story: Hotel? Okay, good. I can live with that.

Here’s the thing: you all know how angry I am about this season. After the wonderfully convoluted mess that was Freak Show, I had really high expectations for Hotel. There was a buzzy cast, a lot of speculation that this would be the season that connected the series, and honestly, Ryan Murphy hadn’t done me wrong so far, so why would we he start now? But, unfortunately, when an admittedly glorious shootout set to Drake‘s “Hotline Bling” is the highlight of the season, you know you’ve got a problem.

And really, what did last night’s episode, “Battle Royale,” even have to offer? Sure, Gabourey Sidibe reprised her role as Queenie, and I’m always here for Evan Peters‘ old timey character voice, but I can honestly say I’ve never been more excited for a season finale to air (it’s next week, thank God). I’ll put it simply: Ryan Murphy has given up on us fans, and it makes me sad.

That said, I’ve committed to these recaps, so here we are yet again. Let’s just do this thing:

1. When we see Liz Taylor (Denis O’Hare) and Iris (Kathy Bates) planning, then committing, the aforementioned “Hotline Bling” murder. Here’s the issue: Iris didn’t realize Donovan (Matt Bomer) would be there. She only wanted to kill the Countess (Lady Gaga), who, of course, got away despite having been shot repeatedly. Things just got hella awkward.

2. When Donovan DIES. And he didn’t even have the courtesy to do it in the hotel so that he could be a sexy ghost! God, he can’t even make it through one full season. First his character in Freak Show, and now this.

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Honestly, it’s just rude. (via)

3. When Mustang Sally (Sarah Paulson) was digging bullets out of the Countess to deal with her own abandonment issues. Okay, so it’s a little more complicated than that, but it’s also not, so…

4. When we finally got some more Mustang Sally back story, outside of how she diedSo, apparently, back in ’93, Mustang Sally was writing music for/dealing drugs to these two pretty gross musicians. She liked them because they actually treated her well and liked her music, which was all well and good until she decided to shoot them up with all kinds of drugs and, quite literally, sew them all together so that they “could be close.” Generally, when I want to get close to someone, I just try to get to know them better, but some people prefer a needle and thread to emotions, so that’s fine. The two musicians died (FOR OBVIOUS REASONS), thus adding more fuel to Sally’s #abandomentissues fire. Mustang Sally then spent five days attached to their rotting corpses, three of which were spent being tortured by that gross AF mattress demon. And now we’re here. It was a very natural progression.

5. When beardless Seneca Crane: Redux (Wes Bentley), Dr. Demon Bloody Lady (Chloe Sevigny), Holden (Lennon Henry), and the daughter that they’ve finally decided to pay attention to (Shree Crooks) return home. Apparently, they’ve told their nine-year-old daughter what’s going on, and in the same breath, tell her that it’s basically NBD and she shouldn’t worry about it. Honestly, she’d be better of with her grandma at this point.

6. When Mustang Sally essentially forces the Countess to feed on some of her demon blood children, which is very creepy and black widow of her. Though I suppose when you look like this, you don’t have very many options:

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I’ve had rougher mornings, TBH. (via)

Poor baby Karl Lagerfelds. They never stood a chance.

7. When Liz Taylor cremates Donovan for Iris, and she spreads his ashes all over a room in the Cortez. This seems highly unsanitary to me, and also, if his ashes are in the hotel, wouldn’t that mean that his ghost would be in the hotel? Is that now how these extremely unclear ghost rules work? Whatever, Mare Winningham was more than happy to vacuum the ashes up, so maybe that took care of it. Honestly, I don’t even care anymore.

8. When Iris and Liz Taylor go to retrieve Foxy Cleopatra (Angela Bassett) so that she can exact revenge on the Countess, seeing as their “Hotline Bling” murder failed. There, we see that Foxy hardcore snacked on both Will Drake (Cheyenne Jackson) and those shitty, shitty children, and now she’s just pissed that they locked her away. I’d be pissed too, so it’s cool. That said, Foxy appears to agree to their terms.

9. When Queenie (Gaborey Sidibe) from Coven returns! Apart from all the times that Matt Bomer took his shirt off, this is the one time I’ve been genuinely happy this season. Queenie is in LA because her supreme, Cordelia Foxx (Sarah Paulson’s character in Coven, which also rules out the theory that these seasons existed not together, but in parallel universes), put a spell on Queenie’s The Price is Right ticket so that she’d get called down as a contestant. Typical Queenie stuff.

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**prayer hands emoji** (via)

10. When Liz and Iris try to pull one over on Queenie, and it results in the greatest fight in AHS history. First, Queenie was able to use her abilities to realize that some seriously dark shit had gone down in her room. Then, when she went to wash her face, Foxy Cleopatra popped out of the shower, prompting Queenie to ask, “Bitch, when’s the last time you saw a dermatologist?” I was actively lol’ing, so I kind of missed the conversation, but the gist of it was that witch’s blood would apparently make Foxy Cleopatra stronger, to which Queenie replied, “I ain’t nobody’s protein shake, bitch!” Queenie then used her human voodoo doll abilities to basically make Foxy keep hitting herself, but her powers didn’t work on Evan Peters. You know, because he’s a ghost. So he killed her, and Foxy Cleopatra ate her, and it was all very upsetting. Maybe, since Queenie died in the hotel, she’ll make another appearance?

11. When Evan Peters and Mustang Sally kidnap beardless SCR’s family in order to blackmail him into completing the Ten Commandments murders. Apparently, all that’s left for beardless SCR to do is to kill a murderer, which shouldn’t be difficult considering the season we’ve had.

12. When the Countess strolls around in her suite in 8-inch heels after casually almost dying, and Foxy Cleopatra goes to see herThey have a whole long conversation, most of which was just annoying (did I mention how much I hate this season), but essentially, the Countess offered Foxy the hotel because she didn’t want to stay in a place that reminded her of so much heartbreak, and Foxy couldn’t go through with killing the Countess for Liz and Iris because she lurves her too much. Then, the Countess uttered one of the better lines of the season: “Kill me, but screw me first.”

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Seems reasonable. (via)

13. When the Countess is about to leave, but beardless SCR pops up and shoots her dead instead! Well, if Gaga had to go, at least she did it wear a coat with a bustle.

14. When Evan Peters isn’t all that upset about this, because it means that he and the Countess will be together forever. Oh, and then Mare confesses to giving Evan Peters up to the cops. He banishes her from his presence, she doesn’t seem all that broken up about it, and she wanders off in search of other stains to clean. It was all very poetic. Oh, and as you might have expected, Gaga is not too thrilled about the whole “being a ghost with Evan Peters forever” thing.

And that’s it. That’s everything. Next week is the season finale, and honestly, I don’t even care what happens. Someone save me from this AHS-induced despair.