American Horror Story: Hotel Recap: The Greatest Drake and AHS Mashup of All Time
Guys, something amazing happened last night. American Horror Story: Hotel was actually amazing. Like, genuinely great. It almost reminded me of the glory days of AHS: Murder House and AHS: Coven, it was so good. I'm going to go ahead and attribute to the fact that Ryan Murphy probably reads my recaps and that he was just trying to make up for the steaming pile of horse poop that was last week's episode.
And look, I don't want to spoil anything for you right here in the intro if you don't actually watch the show and all you read are my recaps (if that's the case, BTW, I'm super flattered and I love you), but I will say that Drake may or may not have made an appearance. Like, actual Drake. Not Cheyenne Jackson‘s character Drake. But I won't tell you how. Actually, here's a hint:
Okay, that's all you're getting. Onto the weirdest, most glorious moments!
1. When, in the first five minutes, we were forced to watch an elderly couple kill each other. So the sentiment wasn't all that horrifying: the wife was sick, the husband didn't want to live without her, so they came to the Hotel Cortez to die together. That's fine, it's romantic (I guess), I just don't like that murder-suicide is where we're starting.
2. When Iris (Kathy Bates) and Liz Taylor (Denis O'Hare) walk into the room, complain about the mess that these people's brains have made, then agree to kill each other. Because nothing says friendship like a suicide pact.
3. When Mare Winningham invites Liz Taylor's son to the hotel for her so that, when she kills herself, she won't have any unfinished business. Then there was a whole exchange about how Mare thought Liz's son wouldn't like her because of who she is. It was full of wisdom and insults in the way that only Mare can deliver a speech. Oh, and the Liz thanked Mare for calling her son by giving her a bottle of laundry detergent, which is honestly a pretty great gift. Laundry detergent is expensive, guys!
4. When beardless Seneca Crane: Redux (Wes Bentley) collected some murder victims for the ninth commandment. He took the ears of a bunch of cult worshippers because they “heard the calling of false gods,” which I thought we'd covered already but apparently not. He also channeled Dandy big time, because before he did the deed, he told them all that he “was Death.”
5. When there was a very exciting anger montage between the Countess (Lady Gaga), Donovan (Matt Bomer), Valentino (Finn Wittrock), and Valentino's wife (Alexandra Daddario). So here's the long and short of it: Valentino's wife went to the hotel at the Countess's invitation while Donovan showed up uninvited at Valentino's motel. There was some serious sass involved (the Countess called Valentino's wife “cheap” at one point), then, almost at the same time, the Countess shot Valentino's wife and Donovan shot Valentino. What were their motivations, you ask? Well, the Countess clearly wanted Valentino to herself while Donovan wanted the Countess to himself, so it all comes down to good ol' fashioned selfishness. Then Donovan delivered the third-best line in the entire series: “I have better cheekbones, anyway. Cheekbones for days.” Yes you do, sir. Yes you do.
6. When Evan Peters was busy setting fire to the carpenter who built the Hallway of Doom and picked that moment to tell beardless SCR that he had plans for him beyond the Ten Commandments. Beardless SCR was basically like, “Nah.”
7. When beardless SCR and Dr. Demon Bloody Lady (Chloe Sevigny) FINALLY acknowledge that they abandoned their daughter. There was other stuff there too about how beardless SCR was mad that she kept Holden (Lennon Henry) from him and how the Countess is blaming Dr. Demon Bloody Lady for all the murders those damn demon blood toddlers have committed, but mostly I just liked that they finally acknowledged what terrible parents they are.
8. When Liz Taylor hung out with his son, Douglas (Josh Braaten), at the bar, and honestly it was adorable. We immediately got the impression that Douglas didn't recognize his father, and they bonded about all kinds of things, and honestly, it was just really sweet.
9. When Dr. Demon Bloody Lady and beardless SCR returned to the house where they found the demon blood toddlers eating a pizza delivery guy in last week's episode, only to find that one of the demon blood toddlers was dying. So, naturally, they decide that they should bring the surviving demon blood toddlers to the hotel.
10. When the Countess attempts to report Drake missing, but his freshly-murdered ghost rolls on in like, “DADDY'S HOME.” Please enjoy the following exchange that they had:
Drake: “You murdered me.”
The Countess: “Get over it, you pissed me off.”
YUP. Then she told Drake that, even though Drake's son inherited all of his wealth, the Countess was his legally-appointed guardian in the event of Drake's death, so she controlled his assets, and if she wanted to, she could turn him into a demon blood child before he got old enough to control his own money. #Family.
11. When beardless SCR and Dr. Demon Blood Lady lock the demon blood toddlers in the Hallway of Doom to be snacked upon by Foxy Cleopatra (Angela Bassett). Yeah, that's pretty much it. I'm just really happy that these kids are finally going to get what they deserve.
12. When beardless SCR and Dr. Demon Blood Lady boned, and Mustang Sally (Sarah Paulson) was less than amused. Here's the sequence of events: she kept trying to tell him that she wouldn't understand his serial killer ways, they almost boned, like, twice, he got dressed and left the room, and then she tried to stab him. And honestly, this might be one of the healthiest relationships on the show.
13. When Liz and her son are talking at the bar again, and it turns out that Douglas does recognize her! And he's willing to accept her into his life again! Guys! It's so cute!
14. When Donovan tells the Countess that he killed Valentino and she is not amused. Okay, so up until this point, I thought they had actually agreed to kill Valentino and his wife, but I was mistaken! Now this kind of drama is what I loved about previous seasons of AHS.
15. When Iris and Liz were about to follow through on their suicide pact, but Liz changed her mind because Douglas wanted a relationship. She probably should've told Iris that before she made a rainbow- and kitten-filled tribute video to herself, but hey, you can't always get what you want. But Liz talked Iris out of suicide by saying that they deserved a second chance, and that they should take over the hotel. This will definitely not be important in the extremely near future.
16. When beardless SCR, Dr. Demon Blood Lady, and Holden left the hotel together, all to the tune of Mustang Sally screaming that she was going to kill beardless SCR. This also will definitely not be important in the extremely near future.
17. WHEN DONOVAN DANCED TO “HOTLINE BLING” AND ALL WAS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD.
— Lauren Pokedoff (@LaurenPokedoff) December 17, 2015
This was a truly glorious moment in my life. Forget the fact the Countess is actually furious with him and almost killed him in anger. This scene will never not be one of the greatest joys in my life.
18. When Liz Taylor and Iris shot up the room, also to the tune of “Hotline Bling.” This scene will also forever be one of the greatest joys in my life. [Insert bad joke about going out with a bang here.] No word yet on just how dead the Countess and Donovan are.
And that's it! That's everything. You should all know that, in the preview for the next episode, which will air on January 6th (that's right, we're all getting a little breaky-break), we got a glimpse of Gabourey Sidibe, who I'm pretty sure will be reprising her Coven role as Queenie. But don't quote me on that. Either way, I'm so excited it hurts .
I'll leave you all with these parting thoughts:
Every TV and movie shootout should be set to Hotline Bling forever and always #AHSHotel
— Sara Steinfeld (@callmesarar) December 17, 2015
Until 2016, friends!