Entertainment

Alison Brie Got Her Vagina Touched, And The Story Is Less Charming Than She Thinks

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Alison Brie on Jay Leno January 2014It's probably pretty hard, as a celebrity, to come up with a really good story to tell on a late night show. I wouldn't know, but I've decided to give them the benefit of the doubt, considering the percentage of the time that the charming little anecdotes fall flat.

Take Alison Brie, for instance, who went on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night to tell a quaint little tale about getting her vagina touched by a stranger. What fun! She had been trying for forever to get an appointment with this famous chiropractor dude, and she finally did, only to have a friend of hers warn her on his way out the door that he might…y'know…need to touch her vagina or whatever. Apparently he'd gone to this doctor as well, and he became the first and only man ever to touch his penis, because he had to ‘move it out of the way'.

But Alison had waited so long for the appointment and heard so many great things about this miracle-worker that she was like, “Okay whatever!” and skipped off happily to the doctor's office…where she says things got even weirder. The office was creepy, it was completely deserted, and when she did finally meet with the doctor, HE GAVE HER THE EXACT SAME WARNING ABOUT TOUCHING HER VAGINA. But it was okay because he insists he's a totally above-board guy and sometimes there's no other way to align a spine besides going through someone's vagina, because humans are like hand-puppets.

Okay so I need to pause here, because I'm feeling super uncomfortable. There are plenty of types of doctors out there who need to come into contact with various genital elements, but none that I can think of who take it upon themselves to talk you into it. I don't know what chiropractic entails, which is why I don't do it on myself or others, but if it requires touching the vagina (can't imagine how it would, but just giving him the benefit of the doubt) just say that! Don't say, “I have to touch your parts now but don't worry because I'm a cool guy and we're friends, right?”

And as for YOU, Alison, I regret to inform you that this story is nowhere near as cute, silly, or charming as you seem to think it is. It's weird and it strikes me as pretty unsafe, frankly, no matter how quirkily you giggle your way through it. It seems like you should've removed yourself from that situation, and the way you told it to Jimmy Kimmel in this clip makes me think you realize it too.