All The Ages Alec Baldwin Will Be At The Various Milestones Of His Baby-To-Be’s Life

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19th Annual Screen Actors Guild (SAG) AwardsWhat with 30 Rock ending this Thursday and Jack Donaghy about to vanish into the ether of masculinity, Alec Baldwin had to do something to prove to his adoring fans that he's still a man. And he came up with the best idea ever — get a lady pregnant! That's something only a man can do, and as a bonus the results (children) tend to live for a very long time, giving constant affirmation to the fact that one day you made a sperm.

In case the labyrinth of verbage I wove for you just now was just a little too tangled, let me spell this out for you: Alec's yoga instructor wife Hilaria Thomas is pregnant with a human baby child. Hurray! What fun! She's 28-years old and she's just going to LOVE being a mom for the first time! And so will Alec! He's 54-years old and he…has a kid from his marriage to Kim Basinger. Remember her? Her name is Ireland and she's a little piggy when she doesn't pick up the phone for her father. She born in 1995, meaning she turns 18 this year. Hilaria was born in 1984, making her closer in age to her husband's daughter than she is to her husband, who was born in 1958. That was a lot of numbers, huh? Pretty confusing. So let me break this down another way. Here are the ages that Alec Baldwin will be for the various milestones of this new fetus' life:

  • BIRTH: 55 years old.
  • FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL: 61 years old.
  • BAR/BAT MITZVAH (just go with it): 68 years old.
  • QUINCENERA (I mean why not?): 70 years old.
  • HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION: 73 years old.
  • DRINKING AGE: 76 years old.
  • RENT A CAR: 80 years old.

Yowzers, guys. Yowzers. And that doesn't even take into account this kid's wedding or when he or she has a kid of his or her own. Just to drive the point home a little further, when this unborn fetus is 25, Ireland Baldwin will be 43, Hilaria Thomas will be 54, and I will be 51. A group of peers who gather each week to watch over an aging movie star, Mr. Alec Baldwin, age 80. God help us all.

(Image: Brian To / WENN.com)