Dear Paparazzi: Why Are You Bothering To Stalk TV’s Realest Family?

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America is in love with its new sweetheart, Alana “Honey Boo Boo” Thompson. And, in tabloid terms, you know what that means: lots and lots of non-stories about Alana, Mama June Shannon and the gang, accompanied by photos taken by paparazzi photogs hiding in the bushes. Just today, in fact, The Daily Mail milked a whole article out of some photos of Alana wearing little kid heels while shopping at Walmart with her mom. While I understand that to be famous in America means to be constantly hounded by the paps, doesn't this particular instance strike you as a little bit redundant?

Think about it. The point of the paparazzi as it currently exists is to show us a glimpse of the regular, flawed, people underneath that shiny Hollywood veneer. And occasionally, to uncover secrets they are hiding and/or have not been honest about. June Shannon's family has neither secrets nor shine. Why would we want to look at paparazzi photos of them when the most intimate and senstionalistic details of their lives have already been edited down into conveniently digested episodes?

Alana is wearing little kid heels? Big fucking deal. We've already seen her wear a pound of makeup and make flirty “eye contact” with grown men, as well as burp, fart, and eat cheese balls off the floor. And the “revelation” of baby Kaitlyn‘s extra thumb was not so much a damning expose as a spoiler for the end of the season. Did you really think the stars of this sprawling southern gothic documentary were going to gain a new family member with two thumbs on one hand and not tell us about it?

Reading tabloid stories about the Honey Boo Boo clan is like watching hours of the excised footage that wasn't interesting enough to make it onto the show. As much as I love a juicy and ridiculous tabloid story, it's not that fun to look at stalker reports on people with nothing to hide. I suggest the paparazzi bros currently on the coveted rural Georgia beat save themselves the travel time and focus on outing John Travolta or something.

Photo: Pacific Coast News