Your Step-By-Step Guide To Writing An Acceptance Speech

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Jacqueline Bisset giving her speech for Golden Globes win January 2014(via)

It's the height of award season, which means that no matter how realistic and logical you are at most points in your life, you've probably caught yourself wondering lately what you'd say in your acceptance speech if you ever found yourself onstage, accepting an award. If you're a certain type of person, you've even practiced in the mirror, even if the closest you've ever been to a film set is a layover at LAX.

But you know who hasn't been practicing in the mirror lately? The celebrities who are nominated for the award. Apparently it's so far out of the realm of possibility that they might win that they just show up at the award ceremony, get plastered, and then have to string some words together while staring into the camera like a dazed, vaguely drunken deer in the headlights.

And since there are only so many times I can watch someone try to gather their thoughts for a full minute and then get played off just as they're remembering what they were nominated for, I thought we should probably come up with some guidelines for writing a speech. In fact you know what? Let's just make this a step-by-step process so you guys can't possibly mess it up.

The SAG Awards standing ovation January 2014(via)

Step 1. Sit close to the stage. I can't emphasize this enough. Linger around the bathroom line like a creeper if you need to, pretend to be a waiter. Whatever it takes so that you're not a full-day's hike out in the wilderness when your name gets called.

Emma Thompson drinking a martini at the Golden Globes January 2014(via)

Step 2. Bring what you need. Take a cue from Emma Thompson, who knows that you don't need shoes, do need a martini. This is about you, girl, so get comfy.

Robert Downey Jr. giving thank you speech GIF(via)

Step 3. Start out by letting us know that you didn't prepare a speech. Even if you did, it will lower expectations which is EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus accepting her SAG Award funny GIF January 2014(via)

Step 4. But then cut right in with a joke to put the audience at ease. Self-deprecating is best; feel free to use anything that Julia Louis-Dreyfus has ever said or done for reference.

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