A Guy Says: Why Isn’t There A 50 Shades of Grey For Men?

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I’d like to start by saying if you’re reading this, Thank You.  I know how hard it was put down 50 Shades of Grey and read this column instead.  Actually, I have no idea how hard it was because I haven’t read any of it, which is why I’m so qualified to make flawless critiques about 50 Shades of Grey by E.L James.  America’s women have been whirled into a frenzy by this literary tornado of sweaty sex, orgasms, and since there are orgasms I’ll also say it’s a literary tornado of semen, which could get gross.  I’d grab an umbrella.

The book details the relationship between young Anastasia Steele (rumored to be played by Dakota Fanning) and businessman Christian Grey, who sexually dominates the younger Steele.  Or that’s what I’m told by Wikipedia.  This erotica novel is not only Amazon’s number one selling piece of fiction, but also it was recently purchased for $5 million by Universal Pictures.

And, because it’s selling so well, especially with 30-something women, it’s been labeled, “Mommy Porn,” by some.  That is a huge problem.  I’ve never been so misled in my life.  None of the “Mommy Porn” I’ve ever seen has involved reading a book.  Imagine my dismay when I googled, “Mommy Porn,” the other day, and then had to wade through 500 articles about a book before finding what I was looking for.  “I don’t have all day here, book that isn’t actually mommy porn.”

In the interest of accuracy, it should be relabeled, “Porn For Mothers.”  Though that could cause a stir with conservatives.  I can see Rick Santorum now, holding the book on some stage, “This book, this porn for mothers is destroying the American Family.  It’s a slippery slope.  One minute our nation’s mothers are reading porn, and the next thing you know, our nation’s children are watching porn!  Could you imagine!  If we are going to uphold the American family, we need to end a woman’s right to choose…what to read.”

And now that I’ve got you all hot and bothered by talking about Rick Santorum, mostly bothered, I have to admit I’m a little hot and bothered by this furor over a piece of erotic literature for woman. I mean, it’s so unfair.  There’s no erotic literature for men!  When will we live in a society that treats men and women equally?

I’d write it, but I don’t think I could.  I try to write from personal experience, so my erotic fiction would be pretty terrible.  “Harry saw Michelle from across the bar.  Harry noticed how her blonde hair fell down to the small of her back, leading his eye to down to her full backside.  He went over to talk to her and then turned around because good looking women make him nervous.”  See.  No good.

Some guy has to stand up for all men because it’s crazy as it is.  Women have 50 Shades of Grey, and all those books with Fabio on the front, and tons of magazines like Cosmo.  And, guys have…let me think.  Nothing.  So, somebody figure it out.  If you’ll excuse me I’m going to read the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.  See, there’s another one for women.  It’s all fashion.  Nothing for men