I Don’t Feel Sorry For You: If You Make One Of These Classic Oscars Mistakes

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The 2013 Oscars are this weekend and I've got some predictions. Not about who will win what. But about who will do what. Because with the glitz and glamour come some inevitable Oscar blunders. We should know better, because this isn’t the first time at this golden rodeo. And yet we don't.

So, as we approach the 85th Academy Awards, I don’t feel sorry for you if:

You Are The Girl In That One Terrible Dress

We’ve had pretty dresses for a while. See, par exemple, Downton Abbey. Or Cleopatra. But somehow one person always manages to forget this. And they wear that dress. You know what I’m talking about. The terrible one. The one with the bizarre neckline. Or the one that’s normal until you get to the bottom third, and then it looks like an escapee from the Aquarium. Or the one that’s great on paper, and when you look at it, you’re like, “This should work” but it just doesn’t? And all of this when a simple A-line strapless number from Tadashi was hanging right on the rack at Burlington Coat Factory a short cab ride away. I mean, it’s better than what you ended up with!

You Forget To Thank Your Significant Other

Come on, guys. This one is so easy. Thank the person that you share a bed with. Secretly separated? Fine. Thank the person you share a tax guy with. Just do it first and get it over with. Because when you don’t, then we get to speculating about the nature of your marriage, and then you feel obligated to validate our worries by breaking up with your significant other shortly there after (looking at you, Sandra Bullock) and then the divorce rate stays at 50% and it’s just a big mess. So please just thank your boo and move on.

You’re Anne Hathaway And You Give An Oscar Winning Performance As A Speech

Hey, Anne. I like you. I really do. But a lot of people like to not like you. And sometimes the stuff you do feeds into that, like give weepy, overly emotional speeches. So if you win an Oscar for Les Miserables, I can’t feel sorry for you if you give a speech that, if different audio was dubbed in, would replicate your performance of “I Dreamed A Dream.” The saying is, “You do you.” It’s not, “You overdo you.”

You Try To Make It Political

Ugh. I’m getting up to go to the bathroom already in anticipation of this little stunt. There’s a lot that you can get on your soapbox about. Because people have sucked lately. And even beyond the fact that people have sucked, we still have the old staples: disease, the environment, equal rights. And we’re not going to solve them in one night where 60% of the people involved are wearing Spanx and double stick tape. That’s just not the venue in which these issues are going to be solved. We know you care. We all care. But tonight isn’t the time or place. Accept your award tonight. Call your congressman tomorrow.

You Try To Shout Over The “Time To Go” Music

There’s a time limit. This isn’t the only time in life there’s a time limit. We are used to time limits, you guys. To cross the street, you have a time limit. To take the SATs, you have a time limit. To finish dessert, you have a time limit. Oh. That just me? Something I self impose? Cool. Well, just FYI I hit that mark every time. Every single time. Point being, we work within these time restraints in life. Not because there’s a big punishment if we don’t. We work within these time constraints because we look like a big awkward asshole if we don’t. We look selfish and frantic and not good-humored. We look like the dude being dragged off to the clink while still shouting pleas of innocence. You’re already in the cuffs. Save it for the judge. Which for you is the next opportunity you get to make a speech. Or when you’re in front of the judge, depending on who we’re talking about.

Other than that, enjoy the night and remember to smile, because we'll all be watching!