10 Reasons Captain America Should Be Your Fourth of July Mascot
You guys, I love America. I'm not saying I'm about to go paint my body red, white, and blue and storm the streets of New York City (mainly because I think I would get arrested), but I use the hashtag #Murica whenever it applies and even more often when it doesn't because FREEDOM. (#Murica.) Anyway, if you're anything like me, you're probably trying to come up with the best way to celebrate the anniversary of our dear country's independence, and as we all know, every good celebration needs a mascot. Unless you didn't already know that, in which case, congratulations, you've learned something new today. Now, my college mascot was a Rowdy Raider and my high school mascot a Quaker, so I'm used to men in costumes strutting their stuff and encouraging my pride. Why step out of my comfort zone now?
Cue Captain America. We already know that Captain America can take Harry Potter any day and that Chris Evans certainly isn't hard on the eyes, but let's set all of that aside for a second. There is no better mascot for your celebration than Captain America for countless reasons, but for the sake of brevity and the fact that us Americans have no patience for trivialities (because #freedom and #Murica and #arewethereyet), here are the top 10 reasons that good ol' Cap is the best choice for you this Fourth of July:
1. His name.
No, I don't mean Steve Rogers. His alter ego is not important right now. I mean his title. CAPTAIN AMERICA. As in, the label on his permanent record at school would probably read “America, Captain.” Like, imagine how roll call would sound: someone would ask, “America, Captain?” And he'd be all, “YO THAT'S ME, I'm America, thanks for referring to me by my formal military title.” He's so eloquent and polite like that. In short, there is no name more American than Captain America. Except for maybe America Ferrera. But let's not get sidetracked here.
2. Red, white, and blue are his signature colors.
Yeah, don't be insecure, boy. Own that primary palette. Work that color scheme.
3. He's got that creative spirit.
He designed that shield. Pure patriotic genius, I'm tellin' ya. Betsy Ross would've killed for some flag ideas from this guy.
4. He can hold his liquor.
Some brief context for those of you who haven't seen the movie or read the comics (BLASPHEMY!): The same serum that made Steve Rogers the super soldier he is also made it so that he can't get drunk. AKA he can party all day. I'm not saying that July 4th is all about drinking and then yelling “‘Murica” in the face of men, women, children, dogs, and most inanimate objects, but I'm not saying it's not. If you're going to take a page out of Captain America's book, might as well do it right.
5. He's sassy, even in the face of terror.
Yes, but very cute tights. We're not complaining, my friend.
6. He fought in World War II because he LOVES AMERICA AND SO SHOULD YOU.
What I mean is, you should love America. Not fight in World War II. That would be difficult to do for several reasons that I don't have the time to go into right now.
7. He has trading cards of himself.
Remember those shiny baseball cards you had when you were a kid? Or Pokemon cards? Yeah, you had those because this is AMERICA. And he has cards of HIMSELF. So, by nature of the transitive property, HE is AMERICA, AMERICA is HIM, and therefore there is no better mascot.
8. He showed up on Thor's planet, Asgard, one time to tout the wonders of patriotism.
Okay, fine, so it was actually Loki (aka master of impressions, Tom Hiddleston) mocking Thor but LIKE WHATEVER THE POINT REMAINS.
9. He understands classic American pop culture references.
Because, as we here at Crushable know, America has the greatest pop culture and Captain America should know and so should all of you. #Murica.
10. And last, but most certainly not least:
GOD BLESS THE USA.